Sunday, September 18, 2005
Feeling really tired now... both mentally and physically. Dunno if it's cos i'm getting old or it cos i'm discouraged.
I've been waiting since this morning for my research partner to send me the file that i hafta print and send to Denmark by monday. Till now, it is still not here and i really really have no idea where i can find time to rush all that work out. And if that's not enough, my qm mate insists that scenario 5 cannot be done. Not that i blame her. She has put in enough effort.. but den that will mean that i hafta try to clear scenario 5... i'm seriously tired la... Qm has pissed me off enough for smtime...
And of cos... if all that's not enough, i hafta suddenly get reminded of the fact that a year ago, my grandma was diagnosed with cancer. I guess my grandma's 3 month fight with cancer will always haunt me. I know it's been a year and that i should not let it affect me so much but it's really not as easy as i would want it to be. I can't help it but wonder if i have done enough. I can't help it but wonder why i didn't walk in and just hold her hand on that last night. Why didn't i just dump all my work and run down to her place? Why is it that i only regret after the whole thing? Why couldn't God just let me see that if i didn't do certain things, i would live to regret it? Why can't i do anything now to turn back time?
I've never told anyone this... The night before my grandma passed away, she was in great pain. And at one moment, she looked out of her room, saw me and i thought i saw a smile. She OBVIOUSLY wanted me to go in and be there at her bedside. She SMILED AT ME!!! But what did i do? I stayed outside the room and stood at the door and just prayed. Was that all i could do? I asked God to deliver her from all that pain. I knew that she would go away either that day or the day after that. I wanted her to go... i seriously couldn't watch my mum, my aunts, my uncles and of cos, her herself suffer anymore. 3 months may not be very long but it's enough. And so, this brings me back to my point... If i already knew that she was gonna go off anytime soon, why didn't i do something for her? Why didn't i just go in and said that i really really love her and that when i was younger, i was just being silly? When i said that she was biased, i was just joking... I seriously didn't mind not receiving the showers of gifts she gave to Ying jie jie, Kor and Samuel boy... I knew that she really loved me.
I remember that when i was a lot younger, i would ask my mummy how come Ah Po treated Kor so much nicer than she treated me. Once, mummy told Ah Po what i said. A few months later, when she came back from a KL trip, she came back with bags of gifts from me. I used to be able to show off to my friends the 9 nice cartoon bags that i received as gifts from my grandma. Hahhaz~ such silly behaviour. But now, thinking of the silly behaviour will not make me smile anymore. It just makes me wanna cry cos i noe that i will never receive any more gifts from her.
Oh well, there's really nothing i can do now to make her come back to life. There are only a few things that i know i wanna do and i will MAKE SURE i do them.
1) Bring my future bf to her grave and visit her
2) After i grad and start to work, i will visit her grave as and when i am free. I wanna show her my cert too. I'm sure she will be happy for me.
3) When i eventually have a family of my own, i wanna bring all my kid there and show them their great grandma. =)
Oh dear... the list seems to be getting a little long n repetitive. Basically, i wanna show how happy i am , how happy i will be etc. =)
Anyway, despite all the sadness and gloomy stuff that has been surrounding me, there's still happy news. Hahahhaz~ i've been made an aunt. 2nd time... ahhah... I now have a dearest mid autumn baby niece. =)
YYY
